Bella

New Freshness

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 20:20:56 GMT

I got a new layout because I've kind of been cleaning out a lot of areas of my life. I don't want old memories dragging me down. So a fresh clean start is just the thing.
I've been doing a lot of research on Pernicious Anemia, seeing as I was diagnosed with it on Tuesday. It's a rather Interesting little blood disorder. My body can't absorb B-12 which is a big deal since that regulates a lot in your body. It keeps everything in check from fatigue, heart rate, stomach problems, a lot is covered by this one little thing. I've learned a lot and have checked out my treatment options and the doctor said that within 3 months I will notice a huge difference. Yay.
I've also been getting very serious with my meditation and yoga. I do it twice a day. I enjoy it a lot more than going to the gym and running on the tredmill like a hamster. J respects it and he knows when I go off and shut the door that I need to be left alone for about an hour to do my thing. It helps me keep my head on straight [most of the time], and makes my body feel better.

Anyways. I felt like I had more to say but I can't think of it. Hm, oh well.

Rain in the desert

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 18:09:40 GMT

Sometimes nature reflects what is going on with you. We had thunderstorms in the desert, quenching all the parched ground, making rainbows, cooling down the air and settling the dust. My life seemed to do the same. Love quenching my parched lips, rainbows showing the way to peace, and life settling down to hopefull places.
It's odd to look at where I am today. Where my life has gone and is going, what the lives of those around me are doing. My life is a fight, no mistaking that, but I'm starting to win some rounds.
J had his first surgery and came through fabulously. He is home for another whole week and then is gone for 3. Things are beautiful there...full of talking with smiles and eyes and light touches. Fiting together so perfectly.

I love thunderstorms.

Let's start a RIOT in me.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 22:22:34 GMT

They taped over your mouth. Scribbled out the truth. With their lies. Your little spies.

Things have been hard lately. Work is just, hectic. J is never home, they have him traveling 3 weeks out of every month. So I'm on my own a lot and that gives me a lot of time alone with my own thoughts. Certain people I have/had in my life make me very angry these days. I mean it's a physical reaction when I think of them. I'm not going to name names because I don't know who all reads this. The whole thing is that you spend so much time and energy on a person, friendship or romantic, and you have this illusion of them in your mind. Maybe not an illusion, it may just be me and my whole problem of trying to see the good in people. Some of these people had a spot in my heart and I believed they had nothing but good in them and only thought of the best for me. In the last year, since my move especially, I've seen people's true nature comes to light. I started to notice all of these things that had been pointed out to me before but I just didn't notice or chose not to believe. Now, these personality traits or just who they are, makes me want to scream at them.

Part of my problem has always been that my life has never been on track with that of my peers. Even friends several years older don't have the responsibilities and priorities that I have to have in order to survive. I'm a lot more adult than I should be. I often look at pictures friends send me from their college parties or feild parties back in Texas and I wish I could just be that careless. I can't though, I have to survive and make my life good. I don't have people paying my way.

Anyway, I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just needed to say it. I'm begining to hate people I once loved. So strange.

Insomniatic

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 17:15:40 GMT

I feel like no one even looks at this anymore. Which is kind of why I've slowed down on writing here.
Anyway.
J is in California for 2 weeks. It's hard because we miss eachother very badly. It's been especially hard on me this time because when he left my job went crazy. I was hired to work here as a receptionist, and did so for the first month. Well in the past two weeks the have decided to make me an accountant/receptionist. Now I know what you are probably thinking, how can you be doing all of the accounting and answer phones, with no problems. Well it's really not been easy. It's hard to keep your place in 2 different programs and answer phones and do small tasks that the management asks of me. They keep telling me that I just need to learn to balance it all. I say whatever to that because sometimes it's just not the best idea.
In other news, my friend Tiffany is pregnant with her 3rd child. She has 2 girls, the first is 2 years old and the second is 1. Yeah, I know...pop them kids out fast. But she's happy, that's all I care about. Also my older brother has opened a restraunt back in Texas. It's in it's 3rd week and things are going really well. I'm very proud of him for taking the risks he has and just doing this whole thing.
Also, my mom is coming to visit! She will be here in November and this will be her first time leaving Texas. Shocking isn't it? I know she will enjoy this though. We haven't seen eachother in a year and she will have so much fun here. Okay well I better get back to work before someone realizes I'm goofing off.

Gunpowder and Lead

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 18:53:11 GMT

I'm having issues with trust this week. J has been out of town for almost a month and just got back this weekend. He had 'threatened' me a month or two ago that he would just start cheating on me until I got my act together. He went back on that statement saying he never meant it and doesn't have the energy to actually cheat. He has 3 more trips before the middle of August. One he will be in California for 2 weeks and then Canada for another 2 weeks. I love him and things have been going so fantastic. I just get nervous when he spends alone time with another girl or is gone for extended periods of time where I don't hear from him to often.
Am I just paranoid? Am I a crazy girlfriend?
I've talked to someone here at work about this and they have given me good advice. They are honest and just let me know how they reacted to certain things in former relationships and such. I don't like not trusting and I don't like thinking the worst of people. I'm just not sure what to do.

Sweet Sacrifice

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 17:20:20 GMT

You poor sweet innocent thing.
Dry your eyes and testify.
You know you live to break me. Don't deny.
Sweet sacrifice.

Today is one of those days that my mind can't seem to behave. All of my past nightmares and unhappy moments keep peaking up to the surface. Just driving to work this morning all these flash backs kept burning through, I had my music so loud just hoping to drown some of it out. It's kind of normal practice on a day like today, look cute, smile a lot, and act like nothings wrong.
My therapist took a break about a month ago to see her first grandchild being born. She told me that she would call to make an appointment once she was back in town and such. Well, yeah haven't received a phone call. I've been holding it together rather well considering. There seems to be a lot more on my plate than there should be. Maybe it's the buffet mentality of Vegas.

My new job, for instance, has me doing the job of receptionist, assistant HR, and assistant Accounting and is paying me very little. For what I do I should atleast make enough to survive on my own. I don't know, just frustrated I guess.

Leave me some lovely thoughts?

Just another manic Monday

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 18:06:30 GMT

I just got done giving blood, my first time. But hey, I got a cookie and juice and I have a pretty pink bandage on my arm. Plus I get free baseball tickets out of it...wait..do I like baseball?
So the new job is going alright. Very busy, I shouldn't even be writing this right now. People here are nice enough, I stay pretty much in one area. The company is really neat. I like what they do. Very artsy place :)

J is out of town, he's hanging out in Iowa with all the corn. Then he's home for 2 days then off to Michigan. Lots of travel for him it seems, because when he gets back from that trip he has his first cataract surgery and then heads off to Canada. Then it's home for the other cataract surgery and off to California. I haven't had my life be this busy is so long. I don't seem to have much down time. Plus a lot of people are coming to visit between now and the new year. It's nuts.

Anywho, I guess I better do my job now. :)

I'm not dead

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 20:10:07 GMT

I know I vanished for a bit after I lost my job but I've been super busy. The first week after my boss let me go I had at least one interview every day. Luckily out of those 6 or so interviews, I got 3 job offers. The one I chose is at a company called Pictographics. It's only 15 mins from home in good traffic as compared to an hour from home every evening. I have the official title of Administrative Assistant and not receptionist. The job is an actual job, which I know sounds strange but if you knew about my previous employers you would understand.

Here I get work to fill my time, and work that is not pointless. I support not only the HR department but accounting and customer service as well. Right now I'm not making much but after 90 days I have my probationary review and that's when I get insurance [full] and possibly up to a 5$ raise.

I like the people I work with and I feel productive again. They are allowing me to take time off for J's surgery. Oh yea, he has to have cataract surgery on both eyes. We have to manage and plan this in between all of his traveling this summer. Thursday he leaves for Austin, TX [home town to us both], then he gets back that Friday. Sunday he leaves for Iowa and returns the following Sunday to turn around and leave again for Michigan. Then he's home for about 2 weeks and takes off for Canada. He will be there until mid August. Missing our anniversary, which upsets me but it can't be helped. Lots of travel!

Me on the other hand, I'll just be at home. Working lots, sleeping lots, cleaning lots, and hopefully enjoying life.

So please, leave me comments about life and you and your loved ones!

Let Go

Mon, 14 May 2007 20:33:13 GMT

I was let go from my job, not "fired", as I keep being corrected on that fact. The real estate market is so bad that my boss can't afford to pay me to do my job. My last day is friday.

I'm scared.

Better than me

Fri, 11 May 2007 20:11:46 GMT

I'm having a bad day. I'm in a lot of pain, both mentally and physically. People seem to be poking me and trying to make it worse. Someone I work with is mad at me for no reason, again. My boss is actually being understanding and nice but I just want to scream.

I'm trying to do all of the stuff I've been learning at therapy. I've taken some herbal stuff to calm me down. I've put on soothing music and it's just not working.

Someone help me out.

Take what you take

Wed, 09 May 2007 20:34:04 GMT

Work is slow today so I thought I would take a moment to jot some things down. I talked to my oldest brother the other day. I don't talk to him all that much because he and I don't tend to have the same line of vision. But, I called to be nice. He was unusually excited to hear from me and kept going on about how proud he is of me. For the most part I was sitting there going okay who is this and where is my brother? But apparently he was serious. He called my mom and told her how happy he was to have heard from me and that I'm sticking it out here in Vegas. He went into great detail about how much courage I have to stay with J because of his rage issues. My brother used to be a "rage-aholic" and knows how they think and work. He told me a bunch of things that I'm not supposed to do ect that will just make things worse. It was over all just very strange.

Other than that I've just been working my new hours and putting tons of resumes out there. Some offers have come back but they have been for jobs I either have no interest in or jobs that seem fishy in some way. I'm kind of in auto pilot mode. Not sure why I'm so out of it but I just really don't have a lot of thought or heart into what is going on. It's kind of wake up, shower, look pretty, work, pay bills, make dinner, sleep. Repeat.

I have therapy this afternoon so we'll see what comes of that. I need something, just not sure what.

Still kicking

Mon, 07 May 2007 20:10:34 GMT

I know I vanished for a week. So let me update you. Monday of last week I broke down and I couldn't get ahold of my therapist so I just went to my general doctor. He put me on a not so lovely drug called Seroquel. It's an anti-psychotic that is used to treat a lot of problems. Yes it is used to treat bi polar, but it's for bi polar MANIA, I have hypomania. There was mistake number one, I'm already down and they put me on something to push me down further. Second mistake came with the dosage, the bi polar dosage is anywhere from 25mg-125mg. I was taking 600mg a day. I could not drive, talking was hard, I was sleeping 20 hours a day, not eating, and just generally a zombie. I managed to leave the house on Friday and went to a few doctor appointments and stopped by my office to get my paycheck and talk to my boss about all of this. People were scared to let me leave because they said I was white as a ghost, shaking, and very wobly. While I was talking to my boss he informed me that my hours were being cut back due to the market being such crap [real estate]. It didn't even register with me I don't think. He could have said I just killed your mother and kicked your dog and I would have just nodded.
I went to my doctor and told him it wasn't working it was too much. He argued with me, as usual, but I didn't step down. I explained I had done research and knew what I was talking about. I didn't need to be on this drug. Once he realized I knew my shit and I knew my body, he listened. Now I'm back on a med I've taken before and I know it works. So, we'll see.

Other than all of that, not a lot has been going on. J is uber stressed about work and such. He's up for a promotion he just doesn't know to what or when and things like that. Plus they have had him working non stop for the past 2 months. If he hasn't been out of town he has had the support phone which usually keeps him up all night. Now with my hours being cut back, I have to get a second job and even he was thinking of doing the same. It's all really stressfull and kind of the last thing I needed while I am finally getting things going and trying to get better. I know it's not the end of the world, it's just pushing me to the edge. Exhausting.

Starts with goodbye

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 17:25:36 GMT

My weekend was good. Relaxing and fun; fillled with sleeping, xbox, bowling, and good food. Now my monday on the other hand...well here you go.

My good friend E was supposed to spend the summer with me and J because her father is an alcoholic abusive bastard. I was going to buy her plane ticket today and was just waiting on her to give me the days she wanted to leave and go back. She just finished her freshman year in college so she has to pack and take things home. Her father decided that if she comes here he will not help her move her things, won't pay for school stuff, and that she is a all around horrible daughter because she will not spend her summer there being abused by him and working because he lost his job.
I gotta call bullshit on this one. Not only beause it's just stupid how mean and fucked up this man is but also because, well, I don't trust her fully about this. As far as I know she could be off with D again.
I'm fully pissed off. Fully on the verge of a panic attack that started the second I woke up and I just can't handle all of this. I have a lot going on just handling my own shit and everyone else is just going to have to deal.
Screw it all. I fucking give up.

Scream a lullaby

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 16:29:21 GMT

Question: How does a girl that falls, no jumps, headfirst into the rabbit hole ; plummeting into chaos come out the other side unchanged?
The answer: She doesn't.

I'm still kind of processing everything from yesterday I think. I'm not upset or anything, just needing to know more. I've done a lot of research and printed out tons of things I can read over and even workbooks to help me just understand things.
I know my next steps are:

Find a good psychiatrist.
Make goals.
Start a treatment plan.
Learn as much as I can.
Follow through and take control.

People close to me that know about this keep saying that nothing is different, that now we just know what is wrong. But I feel like I have a label now. A big neon sign above my head or something along those lines. I'm scared it will progress to where I'm like my mother or grandfather. I don't want to make things bad for others. I have so many questions and ideas and fears running through me right now that it's slightly overwhelming. Who am I kidding, it's totally overwhelming. It's going to be hard to wait until next week to get this going a bit more and get the ball rolling so to speak.

Words of beauty or encouragement?

So, what's wrong with me doc?

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 22:24:48 GMT

I just got back from the doctor, after 2 hours of testing last week, she has an 'unconfirmed diagnosis'. Bipolar 2 with hypomania. Not sure how I feel about this quite yet, being any form of bipolar scares me because I automatically think of my mother and grandfather and some of their scary at times outragous behavior. I know that what she is saying I might have is a much lower form of these things but it still frightens me. New medications make me nervous, new treatments make me nervous, and ultimately spinning out of control scares me.
I go back next week to talk about programs and treatments and just to find out more. As for now I'm just doing research and reading up on things. Here's a run down of what it all is.

According to the definition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), bipolar II disorder is "characterized by one or more Major Depressive Episodes accompanied by at least one Hypomanic Episode." The key difference between bipolar I and bipolar II is that bipolar II has hypomanic but not manic episodes. Also, while those with bipolar I disorder may experience additional psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations, bipolar II by definition cannot have psychotic features.

The signs which would lead to a diagnosis of bipolar II disorder are:

One or more major depressive episodes
At least one hypomanic episode
There has never been a manic or mixed episode
Another disorder is not responsible for symptoms
Symptoms cause distress or impair functioning

Symptoms and characteristics of depression include:

Decreased energy
Weight loss or gain
Despair
Irritability
Uncontrollable crying

Symptoms and characteristics of hypomania include:

Grandiosity
Decreased need for sleep
Pressured speech
Racing thoughts
Distractibility
Tendency to engage in behavior that could have serious consequences, such as spending recklessly or inappropriate sexual encounters
Excess energy

Into White

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 16:36:10 GMT

I'm doing slightly better today than yesterday. J comes home, I pick him up at 5, yay! But on a not so yay side I have a therapy appointment today to see what my test results are. I'm not really happy about the possibility of them saying 'oh your nuts we need to sedate you and lock you up right now!'. I doubt it will happen but it's a fear of mine ever since they did do that when I was 15.
My boss, a womanizing controling unorganized flaky jerk, was bitching at me all yesterday about the state of my desk [and underneath it]. Okay well, my desk is one of those semi-circle ones that they usually have up at a reception area. You cant really see whats on my desk due to the raised counter around it. So unless you walk behind my desk [like he does constantly] you can't see anything. I keep it clean, but I have pictures up and I keep a pair of comfy shoes for when days get hectic and high heels just don't cut it, and to him...this is messy and agents are complaining. When the office manager came in she asked how he had behaved while she was gone yesterday and I told her all of the little crappy things he pulled. She came up to my desk with me and told me that I should clean out one of the cabinets behind my desk and make that "my personal stash". So I did. Everything is neat and put away and when my boss walked by he said " I see a business card and a piece of paper under your desk"...I just stared at him by this point. Honestly, what is the point of telling me I didn't do something good enough when I did it just to be nice. Insert big growl here.

On a side note, I really want to go back to bed. Anyway, hi ho hi ho back to work I go. :)

Baby, Hold on

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 16:34:15 GMT

Sometimes you just really wish you weren't where you are. That's how it is for me today. I don't want to be at work, in this chair, in this city, even in this state. J is out of town again, I'd rather be with him. I'd rather be in Texas with family.
Don't get me wrong, I am not at all unsatisfied with my life. There are just things that I want to adjust. Las Vegas isn't a city for me, I don't think J is loving it either since he is looking into jobs back home. I think we could be happy anywhere but the pace of this city and what the main objective of everyone here is...just doesn't fit us. We don't party, we don't want to be a star, we won't cut others throats just to get one step ahead, and we generally like to be nice.
I'm tired of having to wear 3 inch heels and push up bras just to look "appropriate" at work, and I'm tired of needing to cry just to get out frustrations of all of this. Most of all, I'm exhausted from the constant thoughts of wanting to cut just to feel a release. The thoughts and images that pop into my head while doing my work or taking a shower. It gets to be to much. J is being very supportive with it all, making sure I know that I can call him if he isn't home or just tell him what's going on. He knows that I don't really need him to fix it or anything I just need someone to be there. He helps more than he realizes, I know that, he doesn't understand why sometimes I just hide in his arms and disappear into his body where it's warm and safe and has familiar smells. A lot of nights when I'm fighting with all that I have just to keep it together I curl up into that spot and litterally fall asleep without trying or even realizing it.
Over the past month or so I have realized how much I love him, and how much it doesn't matter to me what others think or say. There are people that try to make me feel like I am being a doormat and need to just leave him but they are not here. Most of them are not even in this state. No one knows what goes on between us but us. Even a friend who stays with us sometimes said that she knows he loves me more than anything.
I know a lot of this is just rambling but it's all just pushing at my heart and struggling to get out of my head. It's quiet in the office today and I'm very emotional. I'm nervous about tomorrow and finding out what my test results are. I just really want to be at home and in bed. It's a horrible feeling to want to hide from almost everyone in the world.

You are my sunshine

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 17:28:19 GMT

It's Friday, so a big yay for that. J comes home on Sunday but has to turn around and leave again on Tuesday, this time for Michigan. I'm taking Tuesday off to spend time with him and help him get some things done that he hasn't had time for since he has been out of town so much. I found out that he will be gone about 3 weeks in June and possibly all of July. People keep saying that it's good that absence makes the heart grow fonder and such. I agree with that for the most part but it still sucks that he's going to be gone so much. Starting at the end of May he will probably be home 2 weeks until August.
I had my appointment yesterday at the therapists office for testing. It took 1 and a half hours and the tests were very basic. I go in next week to find out how crazy I am.
Today is already exhausting, and I'm not really sure why. I'm pretty much the only one in the office and there is a training class in 30 minutes which is stressful but I just feel like I can barely keep my eyes open.
Anywho, on a closing note. PAY DAY!!!

Counting...1 2 3

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 16:25:41 GMT

I overslept this morning, woke up at 7 to my cell phone ringing. It was J calling to say good morning and such, I realized what time it was and flew out of bed. It scared the cat. I have an appointment today at my new [hopefully going to work out] psychologists office for testing, 2 hours worth I believe. I'm not really nervous or even worried, I just want it to be over with. I haven't been lonely this week while J has been away, in fact I've enjoyed just being. I don't really want to talk to anyone lately except him. At work people keep bugging me about what's wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with me just doing my work and keeping to myself. Family doesn't even notice I'm not calling or contacting them in any form. Friends just pester me trying to get me to talk and then if I give in and try to talk it goes from 'what's wrong with you?' to 'omg my life is so horrible let me complain for an hour and cry about nonsense'. I can't handle that.

It may sound odd after what I just wrote but something that amazes me is how you can fall in love with one person over and over again. Fights may happen, things may hurt you and go wrong, but something inside says this isn't the end. I'm glad I listened to that little something inside. I'm glad I'm where I'm at in life and I look forward to fixing what I'm not pleased with and getting to the amazing place I know I should be.

Tied together with a smile

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 17:20:42 GMT

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I left work early yesterday. Not really by choice, my boss kept pushing so I just went home. I got home and fell asleep and slept from noon until 7. J is still out of town until Sunday and might have to turn around and leave again Monday. I'm exhausted from keeping things together and not being able to break down. I'm grateful for everything I have and where I am in life, don't get me wrong. I just need to get some things fixed within myself before I can be this person everyone sees on the exterior. A lot of people around me have the mentality of 'just deal with it' or 'just buck up', however that's not always the best course of action. Sometimes there really is something wrong, it's not a cry for attention, and that person actually needs some genuine help. I need help and I know and acknowledge that. I just need to find it and get to work.