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New Freshness I got a new layout because I've kind of been cleaning out a lot of areas of my life. I don't want old memories dragging me down. So a fresh clean start is just the thing. I've been doing a lot of research on Pernicious Anemia, seeing as I was diagnosed with it on Tuesday. It's a rather Interesting little blood disorder. My body can't absorb B-12 which is a big deal since that regulates a lot in your body. It keeps everything in check from fatigue, heart rate, stomach problems, a lot is covered by this one little thing. I've learned a lot and have checked out my treatment options and the doctor said that within 3 months I will notice a huge difference. Yay. I've also been getting very serious with my meditation and yoga. I do it twice a day. I enjoy it a lot more than going to the gym and running on the tredmill like a hamster. J respects it and he knows when I go off and shut the door that I need to be left alone for about an hour to do my thing. It helps me keep my head on straight [most of the time], and makes my body feel better. Anyways. I felt like I had more to say but I can't think of it. Hm, oh well. 
Rain in the desert Sometimes nature reflects what is going on with you. We had thunderstorms in the desert, quenching all the parched ground, making rainbows, cooling down the air and settling the dust. My life seemed to do the same. Love quenching my parched lips, rainbows showing the way to peace, and life settling down to hopefull places. It's odd to look at where I am today. Where my life has gone and is going, what the lives of those around me are doing. My life is a fight, no mistaking that, but I'm starting to win some rounds. J had his first surgery and came through fabulously. He is home for another whole week and then is gone for 3. Things are beautiful there...full of talking with smiles and eyes and light touches. Fiting together so perfectly. I love thunderstorms. 
Let's start a RIOT in me. They taped over your mouth. Scribbled out the truth. With their lies. Your little spies.
Things have been hard lately. Work is just, hectic. J is never home, they have him traveling 3 weeks out of every month. So I'm on my own a lot and that gives me a lot of time alone with my own thoughts. Certain people I have/had in my life make me very angry these days. I mean it's a physical reaction when I think of them. I'm not going to name names because I don't know who all reads this. The whole thing is that you spend so much time and energy on a person, friendship or romantic, and you have this illusion of them in your mind. Maybe not an illusion, it may just be me and my whole problem of trying to see the good in people. Some of these people had a spot in my heart and I believed they had nothing but good in them and only thought of the best for me. In the last year, since my move especially, I've seen people's true nature comes to light. I started to notice all of these things that had been pointed out to me before but I just didn't notice or chose not to believe. Now, these personality traits or just who they are, makes me want to scream at them. Part of my problem has always been that my life has never been on track with that of my peers. Even friends several years older don't have the responsibilities and priorities that I have to have in order to survive. I'm a lot more adult than I should be. I often look at pictures friends send me from their college parties or feild parties back in Texas and I wish I could just be that careless. I can't though, I have to survive and make my life good. I don't have people paying my way. Anyway, I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just needed to say it. I'm begining to hate people I once loved. So strange. 
Insomniatic I feel like no one even looks at this anymore. Which is kind of why I've slowed down on writing here. Anyway. J is in California for 2 weeks. It's hard because we miss eachother very badly. It's been especially hard on me this time because when he left my job went crazy. I was hired to work here as a receptionist, and did so for the first month. Well in the past two weeks the have decided to make me an accountant/receptionist. Now I know what you are probably thinking, how can you be doing all of the accounting and answer phones, with no problems. Well it's really not been easy. It's hard to keep your place in 2 different programs and answer phones and do small tasks that the management asks of me. They keep telling me that I just need to learn to balance it all. I say whatever to that because sometimes it's just not the best idea. In other news, my friend Tiffany is pregnant with her 3rd child. She has 2 girls, the first is 2 years old and the second is 1. Yeah, I know...pop them kids out fast. But she's happy, that's all I care about. Also my older brother has opened a restraunt back in Texas. It's in it's 3rd week and things are going really well. I'm very proud of him for taking the risks he has and just doing this whole thing. Also, my mom is coming to visit! She will be here in November and this will be her first time leaving Texas. Shocking isn't it? I know she will enjoy this though. We haven't seen eachother in a year and she will have so much fun here. Okay well I better get back to work before someone realizes I'm goofing off.
Gunpowder and Lead I'm having issues with trust this week. J has been out of town for almost a month and just got back this weekend. He had 'threatened' me a month or two ago that he would just start cheating on me until I got my act together. He went back on that statement saying he never meant it and doesn't have the energy to actually cheat. He has 3 more trips before the middle of August. One he will be in California for 2 weeks and then Canada for another 2 weeks. I love him and things have been going so fantastic. I just get nervous when he spends alone time with another girl or is gone for extended periods of time where I don't hear from him to often. Am I just paranoid? Am I a crazy girlfriend? I've talked to someone here at work about this and they have given me good advice. They are honest and just let me know how they reacted to certain things in former relationships and such. I don't like not trusting and I don't like thinking the worst of people. I'm just not sure what to do. 
Sweet Sacrifice
You poor sweet innocent thing.
Dry your eyes and testify. You know you live to break me. Don't deny. Sweet sacrifice. Today is one of those days that my mind can't seem to behave. All of my past nightmares and unhappy moments keep peaking up to the surface. Just driving to work this morning all these flash backs kept burning through, I had my music so loud just hoping to drown some of it out. It's kind of normal practice on a day like today, look cute, smile a lot, and act like nothings wrong. My therapist took a break about a month ago to see her first grandchild being born. She told me that she would call to make an appointment once she was back in town and such. Well, yeah haven't received a phone call. I've been holding it together rather well considering. There seems to be a lot more on my plate than there should be. Maybe it's the buffet mentality of Vegas. My new job, for instance, has me doing the job of receptionist, assistant HR, and assistant Accounting and is paying me very little. For what I do I should atleast make enough to survive on my own. I don't know, just frustrated I guess. Leave me some lovely thoughts?
Just another manic Monday I just got done giving blood, my first time. But hey, I got a cookie and juice and I have a pretty pink bandage on my arm. Plus I get free baseball tickets out of it...wait..do I like baseball? So the new job is going alright. Very busy, I shouldn't even be writing this right now. People here are nice enough, I stay pretty much in one area. The company is really neat. I like what they do. Very artsy place :) J is out of town, he's hanging out in Iowa with all the corn. Then he's home for 2 days then off to Michigan. Lots of travel for him it seems, because when he gets back from that trip he has his first cataract surgery and then heads off to Canada. Then it's home for the other cataract surgery and off to California. I haven't had my life be this busy is so long. I don't seem to have much down time. Plus a lot of people are coming to visit between now and the new year. It's nuts. Anywho, I guess I better do my job now. :)
I'm not dead I know I vanished for a bit after I lost my job but I've been super busy. The first week after my boss let me go I had at least one interview every day. Luckily out of those 6 or so interviews, I got 3 job offers. The one I chose is at a company called Pictographics. It's only 15 mins from home in good traffic as compared to an hour from home every evening. I have the official title of Administrative Assistant and not receptionist. The job is an actual job, which I know sounds strange but if you knew about my previous employers you would understand. Here I get work to fill my time, and work that is not pointless. I support not only the HR department but accounting and customer service as well. Right now I'm not making much but after 90 days I have my probationary review and that's when I get insurance [full] and possibly up to a 5$ raise. I like the people I work with and I feel productive again. They are allowing me to take time off for J's surgery. Oh yea, he has to have cataract surgery on both eyes. We have to manage and plan this in between all of his traveling this summer. Thursday he leaves for Austin, TX [home town to us both], then he gets back that Friday. Sunday he leaves for Iowa and returns the following Sunday to turn around and leave again for Michigan. Then he's home for about 2 weeks and takes off for Canada. He will be there until mid August. Missing our anniversary, which upsets me but it can't be helped. Lots of travel! Me on the other hand, I'll just be at home. Working lots, sleeping lots, cleaning lots, and hopefully enjoying life. So please, leave me comments about life and you and your loved ones! 
Let Go I was let go from my job, not "fired", as I keep being corrected on that fact. The real estate market is so bad that my boss can't afford to pay me to do my job. My last day is friday.
I'm scared.
Better than me I'm having a bad day. I'm in a lot of pain, both mentally and physically. People seem to be poking me and trying to make it worse. Someone I work with is mad at me for no reason, again. My boss is actually being understanding and nice but I just want to scream. I'm trying to do all of the stuff I've been learning at therapy. I've taken some herbal stuff to calm me down. I've put on soothing music and it's just not working. Someone help me out.
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