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Take what you take Work is slow today so I thought I would take a moment to jot some things down. I talked to my oldest brother the other day. I don't talk to him all that much because he and I don't tend to have the same line of vision. But, I called to be nice. He was unusually excited to hear from me and kept going on about how proud he is of me. For the most part I was sitting there going okay who is this and where is my brother? But apparently he was serious. He called my mom and told her how happy he was to have heard from me and that I'm sticking it out here in Vegas. He went into great detail about how much courage I have to stay with J because of his rage issues. My brother used to be a "rage-aholic" and knows how they think and work. He told me a bunch of things that I'm not supposed to do ect that will just make things worse. It was over all just very strange. Other than that I've just been working my new hours and putting tons of resumes out there. Some offers have come back but they have been for jobs I either have no interest in or jobs that seem fishy in some way. I'm kind of in auto pilot mode. Not sure why I'm so out of it but I just really don't have a lot of thought or heart into what is going on. It's kind of wake up, shower, look pretty, work, pay bills, make dinner, sleep. Repeat. I have therapy this afternoon so we'll see what comes of that. I need something, just not sure what.
Still kicking I know I vanished for a week. So let me update you. Monday of last week I broke down and I couldn't get ahold of my therapist so I just went to my general doctor. He put me on a not so lovely drug called Seroquel. It's an anti-psychotic that is used to treat a lot of problems. Yes it is used to treat bi polar, but it's for bi polar MANIA, I have hypomania. There was mistake number one, I'm already down and they put me on something to push me down further. Second mistake came with the dosage, the bi polar dosage is anywhere from 25mg-125mg. I was taking 600mg a day. I could not drive, talking was hard, I was sleeping 20 hours a day, not eating, and just generally a zombie. I managed to leave the house on Friday and went to a few doctor appointments and stopped by my office to get my paycheck and talk to my boss about all of this. People were scared to let me leave because they said I was white as a ghost, shaking, and very wobly. While I was talking to my boss he informed me that my hours were being cut back due to the market being such crap [real estate]. It didn't even register with me I don't think. He could have said I just killed your mother and kicked your dog and I would have just nodded. I went to my doctor and told him it wasn't working it was too much. He argued with me, as usual, but I didn't step down. I explained I had done research and knew what I was talking about. I didn't need to be on this drug. Once he realized I knew my shit and I knew my body, he listened. Now I'm back on a med I've taken before and I know it works. So, we'll see. Other than all of that, not a lot has been going on. J is uber stressed about work and such. He's up for a promotion he just doesn't know to what or when and things like that. Plus they have had him working non stop for the past 2 months. If he hasn't been out of town he has had the support phone which usually keeps him up all night. Now with my hours being cut back, I have to get a second job and even he was thinking of doing the same. It's all really stressfull and kind of the last thing I needed while I am finally getting things going and trying to get better. I know it's not the end of the world, it's just pushing me to the edge. Exhausting. 
Starts with goodbye My weekend was good. Relaxing and fun; fillled with sleeping, xbox, bowling, and good food. Now my monday on the other hand...well here you go. My good friend E was supposed to spend the summer with me and J because her father is an alcoholic abusive bastard. I was going to buy her plane ticket today and was just waiting on her to give me the days she wanted to leave and go back. She just finished her freshman year in college so she has to pack and take things home. Her father decided that if she comes here he will not help her move her things, won't pay for school stuff, and that she is a all around horrible daughter because she will not spend her summer there being abused by him and working because he lost his job. I gotta call bullshit on this one. Not only beause it's just stupid how mean and fucked up this man is but also because, well, I don't trust her fully about this. As far as I know she could be off with D again. I'm fully pissed off. Fully on the verge of a panic attack that started the second I woke up and I just can't handle all of this. I have a lot going on just handling my own shit and everyone else is just going to have to deal. Screw it all. I fucking give up. 
Scream a lullaby Question: How does a girl that falls, no jumps, headfirst into the rabbit hole ; plummeting into chaos come out the other side unchanged? The answer: She doesn't. I'm still kind of processing everything from yesterday I think. I'm not upset or anything, just needing to know more. I've done a lot of research and printed out tons of things I can read over and even workbooks to help me just understand things. I know my next steps are:
Words of beauty or encouragement? 
So, what's wrong with me doc?
I just got back from the doctor, after 2 hours of testing last week, she has an 'unconfirmed diagnosis'. Bipolar 2 with hypomania. Not sure how I feel about this quite yet, being any form of bipolar scares me because I automatically think of my mother and grandfather and some of their scary at times outragous behavior. I know that what she is saying I might have is a much lower form of these things but it still frightens me. New medications make me nervous, new treatments make me nervous, and ultimately spinning out of control scares me. I go back next week to talk about programs and treatments and just to find out more. As for now I'm just doing research and reading up on things. Here's a run down of what it all is. According to the definition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), bipolar II disorder is "characterized by one or more Major Depressive Episodes accompanied by at least one Hypomanic Episode." The key difference between bipolar I and bipolar II is that bipolar II has hypomanic but not manic episodes. Also, while those with bipolar I disorder may experience additional psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations, bipolar II by definition cannot have psychotic features. The signs which would lead to a diagnosis of bipolar II disorder are:
Symptoms and characteristics of depression include:
Symptoms and characteristics of hypomania include:
 Into White   I'm doing slightly better today than yesterday. J comes home, I pick him up at 5, yay! But on a not so yay side I have a therapy appointment today to see what my test results are. I'm not really happy about the possibility of them saying 'oh your nuts we need to sedate you and lock you up right now!'. I doubt it will happen but it's a fear of mine ever since they did do that when I was 15. My boss, a womanizing controling unorganized flaky jerk, was bitching at me all yesterday about the state of my desk [and underneath it]. Okay well, my desk is one of those semi-circle ones that they usually have up at a reception area. You cant really see whats on my desk due to the raised counter around it. So unless you walk behind my desk [like he does constantly] you can't see anything. I keep it clean, but I have pictures up and I keep a pair of comfy shoes for when days get hectic and high heels just don't cut it, and to him...this is messy and agents are complaining. When the office manager came in she asked how he had behaved while she was gone yesterday and I told her all of the little crappy things he pulled. She came up to my desk with me and told me that I should clean out one of the cabinets behind my desk and make that "my personal stash". So I did. Everything is neat and put away and when my boss walked by he said " I see a business card and a piece of paper under your desk"...I just stared at him by this point. Honestly, what is the point of telling me I didn't do something good enough when I did it just to be nice. Insert big growl here. On a side note, I really want to go back to bed. Anyway, hi ho hi ho back to work I go. :)   Currently reading: Gossip Girl #11: Don't You Forget About Me: A Gossip Girl Novel (Gossip Girl) By Cecily von Ziegesar
Baby, Hold on  Sometimes you just really wish you weren't where you are. That's how it is for me today. I don't want to be at work, in this chair, in this city, even in this state. J is out of town again, I'd rather be with him. I'd rather be in Texas with family. Don't get me wrong, I am not at all unsatisfied with my life. There are just things that I want to adjust. Las Vegas isn't a city for me, I don't think J is loving it either since he is looking into jobs back home. I think we could be happy anywhere but the pace of this city and what the main objective of everyone here is...just doesn't fit us. We don't party, we don't want to be a star, we won't cut others throats just to get one step ahead, and we generally like to be nice. I'm tired of having to wear 3 inch heels and push up bras just to look "appropriate" at work, and I'm tired of needing to cry just to get out frustrations of all of this. Most of all, I'm exhausted from the constant thoughts of wanting to cut just to feel a release. The thoughts and images that pop into my head while doing my work or taking a shower. It gets to be to much. J is being very supportive with it all, making sure I know that I can call him if he isn't home or just tell him what's going on. He knows that I don't really need him to fix it or anything I just need someone to be there. He helps more than he realizes, I know that, he doesn't understand why sometimes I just hide in his arms and disappear into his body where it's warm and safe and has familiar smells. A lot of nights when I'm fighting with all that I have just to keep it together I curl up into that spot and litterally fall asleep without trying or even realizing it. Over the past month or so I have realized how much I love him, and how much it doesn't matter to me what others think or say. There are people that try to make me feel like I am being a doormat and need to just leave him but they are not here. Most of them are not even in this state. No one knows what goes on between us but us. Even a friend who stays with us sometimes said that she knows he loves me more than anything. I know a lot of this is just rambling but it's all just pushing at my heart and struggling to get out of my head. It's quiet in the office today and I'm very emotional. I'm nervous about tomorrow and finding out what my test results are. I just really want to be at home and in bed. It's a horrible feeling to want to hide from almost everyone in the world.
You are my sunshine It's Friday, so a big yay for that. J comes home on Sunday but has to turn around and leave again on Tuesday, this time for Michigan. I'm taking Tuesday off to spend time with him and help him get some things done that he hasn't had time for since he has been out of town so much. I found out that he will be gone about 3 weeks in June and possibly all of July. People keep saying that it's good that absence makes the heart grow fonder and such. I agree with that for the most part but it still sucks that he's going to be gone so much. Starting at the end of May he will probably be home 2 weeks until August. I had my appointment yesterday at the therapists office for testing. It took 1 and a half hours and the tests were very basic. I go in next week to find out how crazy I am. Today is already exhausting, and I'm not really sure why. I'm pretty much the only one in the office and there is a training class in 30 minutes which is stressful but I just feel like I can barely keep my eyes open. Anywho, on a closing note. PAY DAY!!! 
Counting...1 2 3
I overslept this morning, woke up at 7 to my cell phone ringing. It was J calling to say good morning and such, I realized what time it was and flew out of bed. It scared the cat. I have an appointment today at my new [hopefully going to work out] psychologists office for testing, 2 hours worth I believe. I'm not really nervous or even worried, I just want it to be over with. I haven't been lonely this week while J has been away, in fact I've enjoyed just being. I don't really want to talk to anyone lately except him. At work people keep bugging me about what's wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with me just doing my work and keeping to myself. Family doesn't even notice I'm not calling or contacting them in any form. Friends just pester me trying to get me to talk and then if I give in and try to talk it goes from 'what's wrong with you?' to 'omg my life is so horrible let me complain for an hour and cry about nonsense'. I can't handle that. It may sound odd after what I just wrote but something that amazes me is how you can fall in love with one person over and over again. Fights may happen, things may hurt you and go wrong, but something inside says this isn't the end. I'm glad I listened to that little something inside. I'm glad I'm where I'm at in life and I look forward to fixing what I'm not pleased with and getting to the amazing place I know I should be.
Tied together with a smile Hold on, baby, you're losing it I left work early yesterday. Not really by choice, my boss kept pushing so I just went home. I got home and fell asleep and slept from noon until 7. J is still out of town until Sunday and might have to turn around and leave again Monday. I'm exhausted from keeping things together and not being able to break down. I'm grateful for everything I have and where I am in life, don't get me wrong. I just need to get some things fixed within myself before I can be this person everyone sees on the exterior. A lot of people around me have the mentality of 'just deal with it' or 'just buck up', however that's not always the best course of action. Sometimes there really is something wrong, it's not a cry for attention, and that person actually needs some genuine help. I need help and I know and acknowledge that. I just need to find it and get to work.
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